Wednesday, February 25, 2009

dealing with a heartbreak

always been the type to actually cover up everything i've ever felt .. never thought people mattered. i decided to express myself here. im learning slowly but very accurately i have chosen the appropriate words for how i feel. i have been dating someone for a while and about 2 weeks ago, he cheated. yes we were a title. i figured titles will alter the persons total views of their significant other. but it doesn't.
So of course I was hurt. But then I met a very intriguing person who struck my eyes before my eyes opened to "the EX".. 
I have always been a person who did "really" care about what people thought about me so Kept this boy at a distance because I didn't want people seeing me with a new person already. I ended up hurting him a few times. I am lucky to have him now. 
 so i came up with this conclusion: i am a girl and i do have feelings and this poem "choices" by Nikki Giovanni sums it up in a few bars...

This makes Nooo sense but .. I just wanted to make sure I got my words out before the sun came up.

Friday, February 20, 2009

eek.. well i laughed

kind of idk.. hilarious

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Light seems to STEAl the corners of my heart.

Forest from LICHTFAKTOR on Vimeo.

just to understand

really Dont expect people to read this but.. maybe god is on facebook.

some one one said that it was okay to feel.
it was okay to turn what was once nothing into miniature pieces of sensation. it was okay to fall face first without thinking who was going to catch you.
i wanted to run so fast into a field of air so i can once regain the breath i have lost. just to sit ... and watch the sunrise on the highest peek of wiser hill. and just understand. not understand certain things. but understand. i feel like when stars compliment my mind .. they are crazy cuz i dont see the same on earth.. i could just imagine the look of disappointment on everyones face when i had hurt myself. i let it get too far and turn me into a human who receives feelings and molds them into.. fireworks. . therefore i got excited and tried to create a whole new me.

taught to feel whats expected not what is wished.

i see motions in slow motion.. just physical movements and screams in silence.
i scream in silence.
how do you hurt someone. how do you create such lies and abide by them until... well until you dont feel like it anymore.

i paint fool many times in my mind. but when i think of the visual picture.... its me.

i apologize to myself every morning while i thank God for waking me up.. im not a hateful person. im just a person who is wrongfully judged and angered by it. really i wish that sometimes.. i could go away .. just so that .. i wont wish

just fade...

with this fade process i will learn to accept myself..provide myself with what i need. and not need anyone.. become someone i promised myself i should be. start to paint the clouds the way i wanted to and read the aligning of stars. i want to learn how to look so deep into someone that i live within able to accept the world.. accept the people. accept the negative and positive, for they are only ideas that make you much powerful.. you just have to acknowledge it..

there is this song called fix you.. by coldplay.

i want to sit on a street where no one has ever driven and see who drives past first. how fast the wheels turn and if anyone would stop for me.
.. i want light to consume my body.. just so that i know my papa is at the end of it...

i just want one person i can close my eyes. and be able to show my soul to.. without looking back. and feeling forward. . . just be able to see him in darkness and hold me with out physical touch.. to fall in love with my eyelids and the creation molding before me in his mind.
one person.

till then i will remain alone. accompanied by the invisible. and the . philosophical views god lets my eyes witness at night.

Drake.. speechless totally speechless

so. i have been going thru a battle with myself.
i wanted someone to understand but seems this earth isnt capable of that just yet .. but then. this mixtape came out.
this mixtape.
i only had taken 4 breaths during the whole listen session.
i almost died but i didnt mind because i knew that there was someone who would actually understand. completely and he does. i know he doesnt know me. but if i could say anything to this man it would be.

light. thankyou. for light.


my dream partner makes work that makes my abstract eyes water.. streams of beauty. just magnificent.



KANYE WEST "Welcome To Heartbreak" Directed by Nabil from nabil elderkin on Vimeo.

She's a Star - "She's a Star" music video from nabil elderkin on Vimeo.